Well today I woke up with some sort of infection in meh right eye. I tried to draw this huge clown portrait but it seems to be that my hands hate me today so I just laid down with my dad and watched some T.V. My big sis was on the computer all orning so I took the chance to get on quickly. I guess tomorrow I'll upload my first drawing on Deviant, I'm tired and my eye hurt, Stupid contact is gunna fucken kill me. I think I'm just gunna give up on basically everything I live for. You know, looks, smartnessess... umm drawing.. I'm just gunna go back to the average emo geek I was. Ellie is like in New York with her aunt. She moved there a couple of days ago, and Lauren just doesn't seem to want to talk to anyone. Well my Boyfriend, Josh, is like really frikin sweet, helping me out and all, making me smile when down and all. But it's just that there are times when people have to cry and I'm going through it right now. I felt like screaming really loud last night and my dad told me to scream, the funny thing was that I didn't... I felt weird I had the chance to do something I wanted to do but I didn't do it.. what does that make me? A coward? Am I scared? I don't know what I have to do to get rid of the feeling in my stomach but my mom says all I need is to go to a oncert and scream my ass off over there, then get home and cry for abou two hours. I've been feeling really down these past couple of days and I just noticed that I dont have ay friends on Deviantart. *sigh* yea.. well I'm really tired of this, o I might just shoot my frikin head off and rot in a dark room until I've been drained completly of my blood but I guess I can't, seeming ads if though I dont really want to die when I actually think about it. But well if I ever do die I atleast want it to be quik, other people say that they wanna die of old age but I'd rather not, because the longer I live the sadder it'll be for others to let meh go. I hate it when people cry for the death of someone. It seems practically useless, I seemed to notice that when my great Grandma died, she was god to me, I loved her with all my heart, but when I heard she died I had ran away from home and I went to a Mcdonalds, meeting up with Lauren and Ellie there. So once we got there I cried and they just comforted me like friends should. Well thats when I learned the art of writting, I wrote poems, songs, short stories, all of them seemed deppressive and sad but there was nothing I could really do about it. A coupl of days ago I learned about a song called: Knife Called Lust, it reminded me partly of the life me, Ellie and Lauren have been living. It seems to be that noone really cares about us. My mom with her work, Ellie with both of her parents and her sister Jamie and Lauren with her parents. When you take a first glance at Lauren you think that she's a spoiled, selfish and snobby girl but she's actually really quiet and smart, she's as much of a neat freak as her parents and she can be really sensitive at times. She told me yesterday at the ice skating arena that she was anorexic, I had known it though, I just didn't want to say anything about it. I yelled at her for about an hour but then w got deeper into our lives then Ellie showed up and everything. We talked about how life was really hard but it's a miracle we've made it this far. I seemed to slowly take notice that I was the peace keeper between the two. I remembered the day Ellie almost killed herself and I remembered when Lauren nearly killed another kid at art school. I miss Ellie already and Lauren hasn't talked to anybody. Well I'm not sure what to talk about anymore, I've just seemed to skip from subject to subject. I'm not sue what to do anymore but I just know that I've got one hell of a life left to live.